'Til Debt Do Us Part

You've planned your dream day, now all you need to do is fund it. Here's how to negotiate the money minefield so no one gets hurt...

You’d much rather discuss dress designers and honeymoon hideaways, but as you start to make plans and place deposits, the piggy bank in the room will need an introduction.With recent statistics showing one in six brides and just 2% of grooms are having their big day financed by their families, tradition has turned into something a little more complex.

A recent survey by the Money Advice Service revealed a third of couples cover the cost of their own wedding, 60% accept contributions and, worryingly, 47% say the cost of a wedding would affect their decision to get married.Which means one thing’s for sure; you and your husband-to-be are going to have to become acquainted with your joint finances, fast.

“Even if you live together already it’s likely there’s been an element of independence about your money – a new pair of shoes for you wouldn’t have made a difference to him before,” says Jane Symonds from the Money Advice Service.

“Now, you’re going to be jointly responsible for this wedding and that can cause friction – and even make you see your other half in a different light.”

The good news is, there’s no better time to pull your heads out of the sterling sandpit and find a way to discuss and agree on money than now.“If you can agree on this, you’ll be able to really celebrate on your big day knowing you both have a great money mindset for your future.” It’s time to open up the spreadsheet and title it: Our Wedding Budget. With ‘our’ being the operative word...

GOING IT ALONE

A third of couples now fund their own weddings, and with the average big day costing around £23,000, that’s a fair amount of financial pressure. So, what happens if you and your fiancé don’t agree on the costs which make up your day?

Just less than a fifth of men revealed they were surprised by the cost of catering and photography.“We’ve had many discussions over the ‘right’ amount of money to spend,” says bride-to-be Catherine.“When we talked about the cost of my dress, my fiancé thought £500 would cover it, whereas I’d been planning to spend double that! It took me a long time to talk him round to my way of thinking.”

The key is to agree on your budget together before you start planning, says Jane.“There will often be one partner who sees things in the short term, believing this is the biggest day of their lives and whatever it costs will be worth it, while the other will look into the future and focus on where that money could be spent elsewhere.”

It’s important to keep your financial decisions an emotion-free zone and remember this: the size of your wedding cake is not a reflection of how much he loves you.“We advise couples to stand back and look at the situation objectively – it’s more important you are both happy with your wedding and its cost.”

Plan regular meetings to discuss how well you are both sticking to the agreed budget, you could even create an agenda and spreadsheet to keep you both focused, says Jane. “If there’s a particular wedding extravagance you really want, find a way to save the money and make it a goal for you to achieve together – perhaps you could pack lunches until you’ve paid for your flowers. Just remember the key is to agree on your decisions now rather than let resentment build.”

THE FAMILY FUND

Hooray, your families have said they’d like to help you pay for your wedding! But what if their kindness comes with strings attached? When Sarah’s fiancé’s family offered to help pay for the venue they asked to view the rustic barn she’d fallen in love with but deemed it over-priced.“I had to re-think everything, and so we found a completely different venue. In hindsight I am glad we didn’t push ourselves too far budget-wise, even though at the time it was hard to hear.”

If family are helping you out, it’s likely they will want some control over your choice or at the very least, to know they are getting value for money, says Jane. "I would suggest drawing up a budget and sharing it with them, then they can decide whether they want to make a general contribution or pay for certain things.”

If they do want to give a lump sum, attribute the money to specific costs like the venue, flowers or cars to avoid a situation where they feel they have paid for everything.“This also means if there’s a side of the family who can’t offer the same amount of money, perhaps they can choose a slightly less-expensive item to pay for, or help in other ways – either with their own skills, contacts or by helping practically,” adds Jane.

Despite the tradition of the bride’s family footing the bill being largely outdated, statistics do show an uneven playing field – tipping in favour of the bride’s family offering higher contributions.

Nearly two thirds of brides questioned had some of their day paid for, while just half of grooms could say the same. Mary admits to feeling disappointed because while her parents have made sure she and her fiancé can afford their wedding, his family haven’t offered any money.“Now they’re trying to suggest who we should invite, which doesn’t seem fair,” she says.There is a way you can keep the peace between both families – even if the funding scale is tipping quite heavily on just one side.“It’s all about communication and making sure you involve both of your families early on and make your expectations clear.” says Jane.

Before you start panicking that you’re going to need qualifications in money and people management to successfully plan your wedding, there’s one key piece of advice which Jane believes will carry you happily to the altar.

“Money mistakes happen if the whirlwind of excitement is allowed to take over from everything else – and by that I mean all sense and sensibility,” she says. “Make a pre-wedding vow to work hard on keeping financial control together, and if your wedding is a money success, so will your mortgage, your childcare fund and everything else in your ever after, be. Your wedding day is not the end, it’s just the start of the journey.